If you need sources, just check wikipedia. Or look for answers from the Catholic Church. What I'm saying is true. Valentine's Day is a fiction. Yes, yes, it's the holiday hater extraordinaire here to take a big sh*t all over this toothache of a 24 hour cycle. I love American product creationism and nothing rubs it in like Valentine's day, formerly known as St. Valentine's Day, formerly known as the Feast of St. Valentine, formerly known as ......what's today? Oh, the 14. Word. For a while, there was a feast Catholics had for Saints that were named Valentine. Many were patron Saints of certain events, etc., but none of them were love or lasting relationships. As a matter of fact, St. Valentine doesn't even have a last name. The Church doesn't know it. All they know is some dude named Valentine is buried somewhere in Italy called Via Flaminia. FLASH FORWARD! Present day. Now on this day, named after some dude in a pit in Italy with no last name, no one knows a damn thing about, couples and love birds alike get fancy presents and candy for one another to celebrate Love.
Don't get me wrong, I have things about this holiday that I love. The fact that there's a day that encourages gettin elbow deep in our loved one's is great. Not to mention the plethora of product advertisement that preys on people. Namely, the Vermont Teddy Bears. OH I just love those commercials. The office of wailing, huge breasted, pretty women, obviously talking about hard cocks, through a teddy bear. The leering eyes of the different fabricated male personalities. There's the nerdy, uptight, glasses wearing guy! Don't forget about the more tame father of four with the highschool sweetheart framed in picture form on his desk. Don't look now! We even have the macho guy with the white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves! Is that a heart shaped tattoo on his arm that says "Love"? IT IS?! Well guess what James Dean?? You can get a matching bear for YOURSELF when you get one for your little sugar tits! Take her down to make out point! This is AWESOME! For real, what would that guy do in the office? He has his own cubicle? He looks like he's gonna race his hot rod in a corn field. Maybe get in a Knife fight. He's got a switch blade.
There's a Teddy Bear for every level of non-committal love. There's the Puppy love, the "you're sexy" devil bear, the "Love Bandit"...um...yeah....But seriously, what a TERRIBLE commercial. My favorite memory of this product was when they decided to re-voice it with Adam Carolla as the Spokesman. You remember that? OH SNAP! Too good. I wish I could have been there at that marketing meeting.
"Ok Bill, we need to re-invent this commercial. Give it some more spice. I want women to feel seduced. I want men to want to be that fucking VOICE!"
"um.....how about....wait. How about this....let's re-voice it. And I have just the man for the job: ADAM CAROLLA"
"YES! I LOVE IT! Jesus Bill! You must be the smartest man ALI VE. You can take my place as C.E.O.! I am resigning as of this moment!"
Aaaand....DONE! Yeah, I think I'm through ripping Vermont Teddy Bears now. Maybe not. At least for now.
click the header for the link to the commercial.
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