Laughter

I will say until my death that laughter is the single most important thing we as humans do, from a functional stand point, every single day. Sex is a close second but the chance of excessive procreation is something I don't have to worry about with a good cackle. There are so many situations and scenarios where truly, laughter is the best remedy. Sickness, tension, stress, social awkwardness, fear, sadness, and even deep depression. If humor isn't your thing, I highly suggest you re-evaluate your priorities. Here are a myriad of reasons why you, the up-tight bastard, are wrong.

In 2006 a group of Japanese Scientists were able to prove that humans begin to laugh as soon as 17 days after birth. After crying, laughing comes second in everyone and that fact makes sense. The image of the laughing and crying opera masks immediately come to my mind when I hear that fact. The two extremes must coincide each other in a timely fashion and our brains develop in a way that ensures this to continue, life to life, at a very basic level. We as human beings need laughter as much as we do our emotions because the function of laughter acts as a tool for so many things. Social interaction is one of them and maybe the most important for our early years. It's a way to gain trust and therefore a sign of acceptance. Being able to identify with others through laughter is a trait that is established very early on in life and only grows over time. This is best displayed in comedians who can control an entire room of people based on their ability to make them laugh.

Not only does laughter help in a social way, it has been proven that laughter is beneficial to your health. A study at The University of Maryland was able to prove that when people were shown comedy films that their arteries dilated wider and their blood pressure decreased. On top of that, when someone laughs, depending on their weight, one could burn anywhere from 10 to 40 calories. I am 200 lbs, so according to a chart I'm referencing, one sit up burns 13 calories. I could top that with a good gut laugh any day. Don't get me wrong, I do my sit ups, but it's a nice addition to the arsenal. Plus I'm lazy, so this is much better for me when you consider that 100 laughing spats every day equals a 10 minute workout. It even helps fight disease by increasing the bodies production of T-Cells which improve your immune system.

After that the last factor that I consider when giving laughter its real value is this: it allows us to enjoy life. Even things that we should not laugh at, we can still laugh about. It just down right helps us deal with things. Laughter is almost an alarm for absurdity. A device that detects universal things we all find amusing. It also allows us to help cope with more macabre subjects as well. I have seen so many instances of large groups of everyday people laughing hysterically at things like racism, death, violence, murder, rape, child molestation and the list goes on. The best comedians can make us laugh at the most horrifying things when presented correctly. We as people are able to make that distinction. It's a very rare thing in any creature to be able to laugh and I suggest that we should all harness its power more.

A Story From My Younger Days

I want to share with you now a story from my younger days. This is a tale of friendship. When I was in my junior year of high school I had this friend. I'll call him Money. Money was a friend of mine and a few other close friends that I had at that time. Everyday after school, we'd all get together and hang out, smoke cigarettes, and almost every time smoke a bit of weed. Just to get out minds off of the day, nothing too serious. Now, all of us, we'd known Money for a while and I was at that point in our friendship where I started noticing tendencies and idiosyncratic things about the guy that I just never noticed before. Without much time going by I noticed that Money never had any money or weed to throw in on things. Eventually it started to get where Money would come around with something to sell and it was light. Not cool. Not after all the smokes, the smoke outs, nah man. Not cool.
So the guys and I got together the week of final exams and decided we'd had enough. We needed to at least get some payback. Nothing violent. Nothing malicious. What we did was, we counted on Money coming around with no weed, but he had some light bags to throw around. So we pooled some loot together, copped a sack and rolled up a blunt. What Money didn't know was we'd pre-rolled him his own personal blunt. What Money also didn't know what that his personal blunt was re-rolled Phillies Blunt quality tobacco.

Now hear me out, I honestly thought Money would just take a fuckin hit off the thing and say "Yo man, this is some bullshit", get mad, and peace out. But guess what that fucking leechy bastard did. Can you take a guess?! He smoked the whole damn thing to his FACE! The whole god damn thing. Mind you now, while this was happening, me and the guys, we're looking at each other like we knew we could stop it. But we were so appalled that the guy seemed to almost have this, "smoke mode". Like if he were a robot, that was one of his functions and he just did not stop untill that blunt was done. Like it's the first rule in his programming. So flash to Money finishing up on this beezy and now he's putting it out. For a minute, I thought my prank had failed. But then Money went to stand up. Then Money fell down. Then money said he didn't feel too good. Then Money puked. Laughter throughout the entire charade. Money got an explanation and Money got fucking MAAAAD. Once he could stop stammering and falling around and color returned to his face, we kept laughing. Then Money left.

Money and I are still Friends and to this day, I remind Money of this story and I hope he knows who he is. Because I wouldn't write this if I didn't love the motherfucker like a loyal hound dog and he should know he shouldn't be a little baby and take offense. It's damn funny, I don't give a damn who you are. These are the things that come to mind when I'm zoning out watching Play-Off basketball.

Inside Jokes Are NOT For Social Settings, You Fucking Jack Ass

For those of you who can't handle being around people you don't know, here's a bit of advice: Don't use inside jokes. I tend to listen to conversations when going to bars, parties, shows, etc. It's just a habit I have. Time and time again I've had to bear witness to the collapse of a nice, happy moment because some jack ass couldn't think of anything useful or meaningful to add to the conversation, so what does he do? He falls back on some joke that he and maybe one other person in the group has any knowledge of. The notoriously bad use of the inside joke just killed your conversation. Because now, some one else goes "what?" and you, being a complete fucking jack ass has to explain the joke. Then it doesn't get any laughs and you have to say the ever-dreaded "I guess you had to be there". Really? Well guess what? THAT'S NOT FUNNY! If you can't relate to the joke after the fact, it's not funny. You've ruined it. That moment we were all just sharing? Yeah, that's fucking GONE, buddy! Now you and the other person who knew the joke have to look at each other, embarrassed, head down, completely silent. Next time do us all a favor and just talk about how your cat's breath smells like cat breath. At least the rest of us will get a laugh. Fucking Jack Ass.

WHAT IS HER NAME??!!?!?

I don't know who this is, but please if you know, tell me this woman's name. I need more of her. GAAAAAWWWWDDD DAAAYYYYUUUMMM!!!!

NEED A JOB!? TRY BEING A PIRATE!!

The economy got you strapped for cash? Did you lose your job? Are you struggling to pay your rent month to month? Are you staring at an empty fridge? Well look no further, friend, because today is your lucky day! In recent weeks the Sea Born Pirating Industry has suffered several employee deaths, creating a great opportunity for you to bounce back into stride! Last year there were over 293 reported sea born pirating incidents and with your help, we can try for a real increase in numbers! It's something to be proud of. Something you can look back on and say "Yes, I did my best. This year, more than 889 people were taken hostage. I know in my heart that I had at least a seven percent contribution, sometimes even using a gun!"

In addition to your efforts, travel will come as a nice incentive. See exotic places like The Horn of Africa, mostly the waters around the Sudan and Kenya. After you shake that case of Mega-AIDS, head out to the waters of Nigeria. A wonder-place to plunder an oil tanker or a Cruise Ship. Only one in seven people have Ultra-Ebola in the wonderful 42 man crew of other pirates that will be on your ship, so chances of disease are minimal to likely. Highlighting the entire voyage is the clear blue seas of Indonesia. Once you hit the main land, bet your plunders on anything your mind can fathom! Gambling is the national sport of most Pacific Island nations. Local favorites include: man vs. a chainsaw-wielding bear and midgets vs. a lion. What an adventure!

So check it out, head on down to your Pirate Union local 101 or 27, fill out a Union Pledge Form, speak to the recruiter and sign up today. He'll be the guy holding a knife to a child's throat, dealing with the demands of his / her family via Skype. The Union is co-opting two positions into one. So you may have competition. Either way, the seasonal wages are more than you could ever imagine. Just be sure to have all of your verbal hostage commands ready to present during the oral examination. Languages required are English, Swahili, Mandarin, Tagalog (Filipino), Spanish, Vietnamese, and all of the languages spoken in the Western Rim.

Don't be a Jack Ass. Save some money.

Never underestimate a good, local second hand store. For years I used to look down on these stores. Something about not being able to afford the good stuff or some other jack ass reason equally devoid of any fiscal sense. As of the last few years though, out of college, broke as sweet fuck all, I’ve learned to appreciate things like dollar menus, thrift stores, and especially for a person like me, second hand media outlets. CD Warehouse is my venue of choice. They usually have what I’m looking for and impressively, all of the locations near me are known for having some really choice Criterion Collection gems. Example: Man Bites Dog 2 disc Criterion Collection. An absolute masterpiece about the exploitative journey into the mind of a deranged serial killer transfused with a stark musing of the over-saturation of modern media. I found it for under ten dollars. Try to buy that from a Tower Records or an FYE and you’re guaranteed to pay a minimum of twenty two dollars, if you're lucky. It’s a value that most people don’t every pay any attention to. Today I got Citizen Kane (2-Disc), Boxcar Bertha, The Assassination Of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and Amadeus (2-Disc). All for twenty one dollars, total. Not to mention most of these places are more than happy to give you some loot for the dvd's and cd's you don't want anymore. I mean, if you’re trying to make a quick buck, head on down and clear out all of your bad movies. You know you have a few. That copy of Kingpin you have sitting in the back of your book case. Those three copies of Ocean’s Eleven. That Lil' Kim Discography you have stacked with the Jr. Mafia and lil' Cease solo shit. Yeah. Throw those in a bag and get twenty bucks. Fuck your pride. Seriously, don’t be such a pack rat.

From Zone2HomeBrew : Illustrated Zombie Bible Classic #2 - David vs. Goliath

Young David bests the mighty Zombie Goliath with nothing but a rock and sling as the undead hordes look on.

Check out the hi resolution shot of the picture here.

From Zone2HomeBrew : ZOMBIE BIBLE CLASSIC #1

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you the first installment of the Zombie Bible Classics #1 by my good friend and fellow blogger, Timmy Reis. In our first installment, we have Moses laying the smack down on some bitch-ass zombie fucks who're tryin to fuck with the parting of the Red Sea. As you can see, these punk bitches stand no chance against his staff or his muthafuckin heater. BLOW!

In this first installment of the Illustrated Zombie Bible Classics series, Moses handles two zombies with his staff and his .45 while parting the waters of the Red Sea.

GET PWND YOU STANK MOUTH BRIT BASTARD!!

Was there any wonder? Was there a single doubt in your mind? 2 knockdowns in the 1st round. KO in the second. If you didn't know, now you know. Truth.

A Special Anniversary : The Best Internet Hoax Ever

Today May 2 2009 marks the 4-year anniversary of my personal favorite internet hoax: THE LION vs MIDGETS MASSACRE! Yes yes, if you didn't know, this story is a hoax. A lion did not really take out 42 little people in one sitting as a crowd of crazed Cambodians corralled around a ring throwing money at bookies with cigarettes hanging from their mouths, apathetic to these poor little people's situation. One could get fooled, as I did when I first read this because it was posted to a fake link from The BBC using their templates. It looked fairly real without any inspection. But bbc.co.fake isn't a real net extension. Read it if you haven't already. It's fucking gruesome fun.


Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

An African Lion much like this is responsible for the death of 28 Cambodian Midgets

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine."

This campaign is believed to be what sparked the undisclosed fan to challenge the entire league to fight a lion; a challenge that Sihamoni readily accepted.

An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum.

The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.

The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones and lost limbs, rendering them unable to fight back.

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Pacquiao vs. Hatton Tomorrow Night

I'm not even going to do a write up. I'm too biased on this issue. Pac Man all the way. I hope Manny runs circles around that slack-jawed Brit until he sees stars. Until he speaks without that horrible accent. I hope that dude gets hit so hard the stink flies out of his nasty, under-treated, neglected, rotting mouth and then circles around his head in a counter clock-wise motion back into his face, like a shot of mace, further disabling him to defend himself. I hope that speedo wearing rape child gets mashed up so bad even English people are like "DAMN HE'S UGLY! AND I'M ENGLISH!" and he is forced into exile, only allowed to live and dwell in the Faulkland Islands, surviving only on the resources he's allowed to find on the Islands themselves, sealed off from the rest of his countrymen and family. I hope that mutated sperm cultivated from warm light and oxygen off of a toilet seat in Manchester gets hit so hard his diet of beans and eggs boiled in a sheeps guts is knocked involuntarily out of his anus and is projected on all of his corner men and they're all like, "OY! WHAS ALL 'IS 'EN??!" in that awful Manchester cadence. That'd actually probably just be like them taking a shower. Oh yeah, I also hope that when Pacquiao hits that manchild so hard that the force of the blow itself actually corrects the way that Gollom-like, WASP face of his looks. That'd be nice, too. I think I'm done.