I can't sleep for shit anymore.

So, it's 6:10 am. I can't sleep. I never sleep anymore. I worked as a transporter for a year. After a year of non-stop driving, you start to miss sleep. Then it doesn't matter at all. To make matters worse, I have access to the internet 24 hours a day. It facilitates my strange sleep habits quite nicely. YouTube alone can help kill a solid two hours if I really fall into the trap of endless clips of breakdancers knocking out kids and retarded kids rap battling. You know what I mean. You've found yourself watching clip after clip of stupid shit. The crazy asian lady who missed her flight. The kung fu hillbilly. Ronald Jenkees. Ghetto Fights. Ah lord, the ghetto fights are classic.

But recently I was put on something that is equally, if not better than YouTube. Bold statement, I know. It's called Stumble Upon. What Stumle Upon is, is a tool bar that you intall on your web browswer. I recommend Mozzila Firefox. So, install the tool bar, then take the personalization survey. It's really more clicking boxes of categories. Then more specific categories based on your previous answers untill the system is able to fine tune your like's an dislike's. Once that's done, the tool bar has a button you click that in turn brings up a web page the system thinks you may enjoy. Click "thumbs up" for good and "down" for bad. After about ten pages and this thing is really and truly sending you to sites you actually find interesting. After just a few days of this application on my browser and I'm finding videos that I had no idea I'd like and I do. Information about subjects I actually find interesting. Instructional tips for knowledge I want to absorb. Whatever I can think of, Stumble Upon hooks me up, man. It's my bro. Need an example? OK! I was moving recently and I wasn't sure if I needed to be careful about tilting my TV. It's a flat screen but I didn't know the Do's and Don'ts about it. In my survey, I told the program about how I owned said TV; in the random pages I stumbled upon, one told me it was OK to tilt LCD TV's. It's plasma's your not supposed to move more than 15 degrees. Word to ya mother, B. Also, did you know that being 24 and having a December birthday means you're more than 700 million seconds old? Nutso.

Well, if you want to waste your time on the net more effectivley, I suggest you check out this application. It's fucking righteous, brah....Jesus H. Christ I need to sleep.


www.stumbleupon.com

YOU'RE WELCOME

I have nothing new to report, other than I found this picture on Chuck Palahniuk's website. You are god damn welcome.

I really enjoy bad marketing.

If you need sources, just check wikipedia. Or look for answers from the Catholic Church. What I'm saying is true. Valentine's Day is a fiction. Yes, yes, it's the holiday hater extraordinaire here to take a big sh*t all over this toothache of a 24 hour cycle. I love American product creationism and nothing rubs it in like Valentine's day, formerly known as St. Valentine's Day, formerly known as the Feast of St. Valentine, formerly known as ......what's today? Oh, the 14. Word. For a while, there was a feast Catholics had for Saints that were named Valentine. Many were patron Saints of certain events, etc., but none of them were love or lasting relationships. As a matter of fact, St. Valentine doesn't even have a last name. The Church doesn't know it. All they know is some dude named Valentine is buried somewhere in Italy called Via Flaminia. FLASH FORWARD! Present day. Now on this day, named after some dude in a pit in Italy with no last name, no one knows a damn thing about, couples and love birds alike get fancy presents and candy for one another to celebrate Love.

Don't get me wrong, I have things about this holiday that I love. The fact that there's a day that encourages gettin elbow deep in our loved one's is great. Not to mention the plethora of product advertisement that preys on people. Namely, the Vermont Teddy Bears. OH I just love those commercials. The office of wailing, huge breasted, pretty women, obviously talking about hard cocks, through a teddy bear. The leering eyes of the different fabricated male personalities. There's the nerdy, uptight, glasses wearing guy! Don't forget about the more tame father of four with the highschool sweetheart framed in picture form on his desk. Don't look now! We even have the macho guy with the white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves! Is that a heart shaped tattoo on his arm that says "Love"? IT IS?! Well guess what James Dean?? You can get a matching bear for YOURSELF when you get one for your little sugar tits! Take her down to make out point! This is AWESOME! For real, what would that guy do in the office? He has his own cubicle? He looks like he's gonna race his hot rod in a corn field. Maybe get in a Knife fight. He's got a switch blade.

There's a Teddy Bear for every level of non-committal love. There's the Puppy love, the "you're sexy" devil bear, the "Love Bandit"...um...yeah....But seriously, what a TERRIBLE commercial. My favorite memory of this product was when they decided to re-voice it with Adam Carolla as the Spokesman. You remember that? OH SNAP! Too good. I wish I could have been there at that marketing meeting.

"Ok Bill, we need to re-invent this commercial. Give it some more spice. I want women to feel seduced. I want men to want to be that fucking VOICE!"

"um.....how about....wait. How about this....let's re-voice it. And I have just the man for the job: ADAM CAROLLA"

"YES! I LOVE IT! Jesus Bill! You must be the smartest man ALI VE. You can take my place as C.E.O.! I am resigning as of this moment!"

Aaaand....DONE! Yeah, I think I'm through ripping Vermont Teddy Bears now. Maybe not. At least for now.

click the header for the link to the commercial.

Bill Burr : The Comedians Comedian

Bill Burr's Myspace Page
The Monday Morning Podcast
Bill Burr's Official Website

If you don't know anything about Bill Burr, you might at least recognize him from the Chapelle's Show skits "Racial Draft" (the blacks win the lottery, ha, they'll probably still complain) and "Guy's Night Out" (a mouth is a mouth, bro). Burr has been a comedian for over a decade, making his way out of the New England comedy circuits and moving to the road, steadily becoming one of the most hardened comics you'd ever think about heckling. You want poetry? Look up his legendary encounter in Philadelphia that lasted over the entire alotted set time he was given. Opie and Anthony's Travelling Pants Tour. It's beautiful. Some of the biggest dickheads to walk the streets of America face off against one of the coolest Assholes to ever pick up a mic in a yelling match that in the end, Burr wins decisivley.

Right now, Burr can be seen on the road touring, as always. On top of that, he has an impressive amount of podcasts and radio appearances that keep him exposed to the public. For example, anyone that listens to Opie and Anthony will know him well. Last year for OzFest, the crew sent him out to interview bands. He then proceeded to ask them to do PSA spots, on the spot, about completley fictional events. "Don't you be fuckin hittin no special needs kids, you fuckin retards". A quote from the guitarist from In Flames.

He has two podcasts you can subscribe to on ITunes, The Bill Burr Monday Morning podcast, which is basically Burr ranting about grievances and annoyances. Then there's the stand up podcast he has. Gives you a feel for his stuff. Check out his two albums currently in circulation, "Emotionally Unavailable" and "Why Do I Do This?" which has a DVD of the CD material. This week I have videos of him on my video bar, check them out, buy his stuff. At least check him on YouTube.

THINGS THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE #1

It's a reoccurring theme spot that I just invented! Starting with every one's favorite little dish of bacteria scum left to dry in the sun, Soulja Boy. This little shit has turned out to be raps equivalent of Hanson if they had been run through the wardrobe of Michael Jackson and then bedazzled. Or is that a redundancy? ANYWAY, the fact is, there are small children all across this country that are in love with this demon and I am extremely concerned about their well being. If the last few years are the standard, this country is going to give itself downs syndrome listening to nonsensical, effortless bullshit like this. Granted, he's not the only one to blame, but this kid is the youngest of them all, so he's gonna be the longest running threat music faces on a whole. Unless Def Jam or So So Deaf sign a kid straight outta sixth grade. SO, hit up youtube, look up Soulja Boy Bird Walk Official Video and you decide if I'm right or not. K? Watch it now, then continue reading. Watch it. Ok? Did you watch it? Now tell me, is it wrong to think he should be brought to a boil in a vat of canola oil? THAT RHYME WAS BETTER THAN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN THAT VIDEO! Some one PLEASE show some initiative and get that red dot on his dome and SQUEEEEEEZE!